We all have a lens we view life with.
Our life view.. everyone has their own personal lens that they view life through. Our lens is our collective experience whether we label it "good or bad". Everything is pulled in & seen through this filter. As survivors we can be a magnet to those who would abuse us whether intentionally or unintentionally. It's called repetition compulsion & I would like to define it to ensure understanding. Merriam-Webster defines repetition compulsion as an irresistible tendency to repeat an emotional experience or to return to a previous psychological state. ie you constantly attract assholes & situations that give you the "comfortable" experience of an imprinted emotion or way of being from our childhoods or relationships that were not good for us. This links with codependency, enabling, & even playing the role of the one who's enabled, abusive etc.
I challenge you to look at your lens. Right now all it requires is for you to begin to notice the emotions that you most frequently experience. You may be out of touch with your emotions & that's OK, we can develop a practice to start naming each of them to determine what exactly we are feeling.
Here's a simple practice that I use that can help you start to sift through your emotions & name them:
Naming Our Emotions:
Give your emotions a name.
Start by taking a seat in your favorite space. We will begin to make a space for ourselves to feel comfortable enough to express how we truly feel. It is important to note that you may not feel comfortable & that is OK. Training our minds to trust us is a practice that we will cultivate. Now try to pinpoint how you feel. Give a name to it. Write it down & any other feelings you may have or say it out loud if you are adverse to journaling (I have been for a large portion of my life, I will do a post about this). Then notice how often you feel that way as you go throughout the rest of your day. Revisit you favorite space & write about your experience before the week is out. Remember to be gentle with yourself you are cultivating a practice & it takes PRACTICE.
Talking to Safe People About Your Feelings:
As you begin to notice how you feel on a daily basis reflect on whether or not you have a safe person or persons to share those feelings with. If so I encourage you to begin to talk about the states you find yourself in. If you do not have a safe person then begin to seek out someone. Yes it’s a scary step but it’s important. We heal in relationship not isolation. A therapist, coach, clergy, or any person you feel comfortable with is good start. Tell them your intention & start slowly! Ensure that they are in fact a trustworthy person instead of trusting the title or credentials. There are incompetent people in all professions (as well as very competent ones) & part of trusting ourselves again is making choices about who to confide in. Don't blindly trust, follow your gut (not your fear, more on that later), & be kind to yourself as you practice a different way of being.
This is a lifelong process that requires multiple ways of looking at what you have been through & are dealing with. I will cover these topics in this blog & hopefully provide some support as you move through your process. I cannot stress enough that each person is unique & therefore must be allowed to figure themselves out. Guidance is always helpful but holding yourself to a rigid way of being that does not allow for ambiguity & uncertainty does not help, it breeds resistance (a useful tool when viewed with compassion). Your resistance can show where your healing work begins, more on that later. You can adjust your lens & be mindful of knowing what lens you are looking through in any given moment. I hope that this post has been helpful. If not please give feedback as to what does or doesn't work.
Thanks for reading!