God...it is a hot topic nowadays & everyone thinks they know who he/she/it is. I want to discuss how trauma damages our view of god. First, lets bring out a few points that this blog post will not seek to do:
1. Define God for you.
2. Preach to you that you must accept any form of god.
3. Bash religion
4. Do anything other than give a perspective to help you integrate a god concept into your life should you choose to.
5. Speak from any place other than the experience of the writer...me. I am an expert in my life not yours.
This is a safe space for us all to talk about our view of god even if you don't have a particularly popular view.
Childhood & God
The human brain is very impressionable especially at a young age when we are trying to define who we are in relation to the world. Our parents are our first representation of god because we are so dependent on them & they hold all power over us. This is why if you have suffered childhood trauma, you probably do not have a pleasant concept of god if you believe in god at all. Or perhaps you cling to the idea of a punishing god who made you so wretched that you have to spend your whole life avoiding "sin" or mistakes. Suffering through abuse makes you feel unworthy of love. It makes you question why god hates you so much to have subjected you to such suffering. You begin to see god as punitive & capable of destroying you so you walk around with this concept. You figure if you do things "right" you will be OK & if you do things "wrong" you will die, even if the wrong thing is breathing too loudly or whatever brings down the wrath of god (your abuser) on you. Some religions reinforce this concept with heaven & hell & being born "sinful". How is a child sinful? If you start out behind in a race how can you win when the person who put on the race has rigged it? You cannot which is why healing that concept is so important.
Coming home to self & god.
I have had to do lots of work to heal my concept of god. I still have work to do in this area because of the hurts I suffered. It is ultimately your choice whether you choose to believe in god & what that looks like for you. People will try to instill fear guilt & shame for not accepting their concept of god. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS. Find god for yourself.