Happiness... we all want & deserve it. So many of us walk through life unhappy. I personally feel that the society that we live in has caused us to throw off the balance of what true happiness is. I do not think that happiness is the byproduct of having no troubles or cares in the world. It is the byproduct of a choice to accept what has/is happening, even in the face of circumstances & situations which tell us that we can't be happy. It takes time to cultivate this disposition without stepping into toxic positivity & spiritual bypassing. It is also far easier said than done as is the case with most survivors of trauma & those who have developed a pessimistic view of life due to chronic disappointment.
The good news is we can begin to change our view of life. It takes repetition & dedication but the universe, God, your brain, or whatever you believe assists you responds to even the slightest pivot into a new state of being. In this case repetition is your friend. The mind learns through repeating a pattern until it "sticks". We all know this from any new habit or addiction we choose to partake of.
So how can this apply to my happiness you may be wondering. I believe the first step is recognizing that YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY 24/7. From my own personal experience I stepped over the line into addiction when I could no longer tolerate emotional ambiguity. I didn't like feeling sad, lonely, depressed, angry, anxious, or rejected so I would numb those emotions with alcohol or chasing the next thing that would make me feel good. I also didn't have the capacity to cope with the traumas I had suffered & the resulting emotions because I simply didn't know that it effected me the way that it did. No one in my community was teaching these things when I was younger. I enjoyed being on cloud 9 & happy all the time so I wanted to stay in that state for as long as I possibly could.
The trouble is we just aren't designed to only experience "good" emotions. We also experience "bad" emotions which gives us balance & emotional depth. When my body & brain became used to me numbing my feelings with a substance, off I went into the land of addiction. This was compounded by the developmental trauma I experienced along with other instances of one time trauma throughout my life. It made for a toxic cocktail of escapism that I ran to anytime I felt my emotions where too big for me.
Do you ever find yourself feeling like your emotions are too big for you? Like they will overtake you & you won't recover? I have just recently gotten to a place where I could articulate exactly how I feel when these devastating emotions come up. I was sharing with my therapist about these feelings of disappointment, grief, loss, & sadness that I'm feeling. I just wanted people to love me the way I love them & I was in a really rough space emotionally. I heard myself say, "My emotions just feel to big for me & they always have. I don't think I will ever find relief for this big old ball of sadness & sorrow I constantly feel." For me this is progress. I was able to get how I feel out there not only in a cognitive manner but I also allowed myself to feel this despair without running away from it. I named what I was feeling & didn't recoil from it in rejection. It was a milestone that I am grateful for & I would like to help each of you make this milestone when you are ready.
The point of this post is to reinforce the truth that you deserve happiness & you should seek it with balance. Running away from your more undesirable emotions will not make them go away. It will cause them to grow & become unruly because they will be heard & felt whether you like it or not. I share the wisdom of failing at this endeavor myself to hopefully help you not fail so miserably. Nothing beats a fail but a try. Take it slow. Often emotions come all jumbled up & it's hard to just pick one to deal with. You can start by acknowledging the overwhelm you feel. I will do another post or maybe a video on tapping, grounding, & healthy distraction which can help remove some of the emotional overwhelm so that you can process the emotions that are coming up. I use many different things to help me because sometimes I get so overwhelmed that one thing just won't work. As you practice these things you will intuit what works for you. Trial & error is the name of the game & there is nothing wrong with that. Let's be curious about our healing. Try different things to make up a routine that works best for you. All that matters is that it works for YOU when YOU need it to.
To wrap this up I just want to say that you have to feel in order to heal. Trying to go around the pain & upset will not help you heal it, it will make it worse in the long run. We can experience happiness in the moment & really enjoy it. When it passes & we have a challenging experience we can face it as well. All emotions change, its their nature to do so. Let's allow them to flow as they need to & not dam them up. If you are working with a therapist or coach, let them know that you are trying to build your emotional intelligence & ask for their assistance. Side Note: You will feel resistance to changing habits & addictions. THAT IS NORMAL, not a sign to give up. Feel happy, you deserve it, but don't tell yourself stories about how you don't deserve it when it passes. Happiness is an inside job & you absolutely have what it takes to fully embrace it when it shows up.